Before I go any further...

I think I've figured out what will be my biggest challenge on this 40 day journey.

The beginning of Baptiste's book is filled with spirituality... and from skimming the rest of the book, the whole thing is chock full of it. In the first two pages, he leaves no room for yogic excuses, noting that lots of people turn to yoga for some kind of "different" spiritual experience than Christianity offers, but really Jesus and Moses taught the same things that yoga gurus do. He also says a lot of Eastern yoga teachings aren't applicable to the West, and his book will bring what IS applicable over, but will focus on a lot of Christian principles.

Basically, I should go to church because it teaches the same things I'm trying to get out of this book.

Here's the problem. I've got religion issues. Big ones. I don't want them, but they're all around me. I won't delve into it all here, because it's great fodder for later posts, but here's the background:

My mother was Catholic, my father Presbyterian. I dragged them to a Presbyterian church after attending with cousins and enjoying their children's time as a three year old. That was the beginning of a very active religious youth and family. We went every Sunday, no excuses. I participated in Sunday School, choir, youth groups, four mission trips, even gave a sermon. My parents were involved in fundraising, governance, adopting families, giving sermons, etc. We sat in the third pew from the front.

Enter college. I went to a small, Presbyterian affiliated school. I loved that school. I, however, did not love the church-y part of it. I found that I missed my home church intensely and had fallen in love with the people rather than the religion. I found any attempt to get me to go to church relatively invasive and my desire to attend disappeared.

Enter boyfriend. Comes from the same kind of very involved religious family, but Catholic. Through college he quietly attended mass every Saturday night without fail, but never made the world aware of it. Just went because it was important to him, then went about his week. He invited me. I attended. I had grown up around children who hated the Catholic religion because of it's exclusivity and 'difficult' ritual; I learned to hate it too, especially the exclusivity of Communion. I sat and cried through the first mass I went to with him, especially when I sat by myself as the rest of the church received Communion, which I believe every Christian should be able to enjoy. He still goes every week, asks me, and regardless of my response, heads to what he describes as his weekly reminder to do what's right.

Enter second year of law school. I've been to lots more Catholic masses, mostly with mild protest (though never forced to go), and back to my "home" church a few times. The place isn't the same; all things do change eventually, and it's been six years since I regularly attended. I still very much disagree with Catholic Communion rules. But I find myself floundering for some kind of religion and missing the grounding that it provided. I envy those who have remained faithful through these years, because I have plenty of friends who have. I envy those who have found new ways to be faithful as they move to different locales.

So what do I DO with Baptiste's rules, this God-fearing, faith thing I'm going to be going through the next few weeks? My stomach churns with nerves about it, though it doesn't look like much more than principles for "doing what's right". I know I need some guidelines. I know I don't want to flounder anymore. I don't know how to integrate it into my life. I don't know how to change my reaction to a more positive feeling. I have all the support I need around me to do this. It shouldn't be this difficult; I don't know why I react so violently. I said I'm going to do this 100%, but am I ready? Can I jump this seemingly massive hurdle? Am I making something huge out of nothing?

Without a doubt, the religious implementation of this program will be the most difficult piece of the 40 day puzzle.

An introduction.

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." - Yogi Berra

I love the New York Yankees. The moment the YES (Yankee Entertainment System) was created, it became the only cable television station my family watched. I'm not sure if it's because we're mutually from New York or if it's just what I grew up with, but my heart pounds hard for the Bronx Bombers. It's only fitting that Yogi so perfectly described the beginning of my 40 day yoga journey.

I began my second semester of my sophomore year of college almost four years ago. I spent the first half of the year in Oxford, England, drinking and carb-loading my way through Ireland, France, Italy, the Czech Republic, and Germany. I knew I was becoming malnourished and overweight, but when in Rome... and the bingeing didn't subside upon returning to the States. College food and beverages created a tank of a female. Woof.


I didn't see the severity of the problem until the summer rolled around. I hit the gym a couple times a week, and when I found that I couldn't fit into a bridesmaids dress for a wedding in three weeks, I crash dieted and worked out twice a day with Chalene Johnson's Turbo Jam. I fit in to the dress, and headed back to college junior year feeling better about myself and looking healthier. Healthy eating lasted a couple weeks before the cafeteria got the better of me. The next two years was a constant cycle of binge diet, crash exercise, drinking consistently and overeating. While I never reached my peak weight of sophomore year, the pounds were creeping up once again.

Enter law school and living on my own. First semester of law school is notoriously awful, with stress and panic in every ounce of a 1L's life. My experience was no different, and included no exercise. But I did start to eat a little better, and after a few months was directed toward Amazing Yoga, a studio across from my apartment. It took one class before I was hooked.

Here I am, just over a year later. In that year I started a weekly work-study at the yoga studio, got back into Turbo Jam, discovered Hungry Girl cookbooks, lived on protein shakes, became a regular at farmers markets and re-taught myself how to run. At the end of the summer I had concerned family and friends approach me because of how rapidly I lost weight; I had to purchase a new wardrobe because the pounds came off so quickly. I learned how to make a lifestyle change, not just binge.


I've managed to maintain a healthy lifestyle since the summer and not sacrifice a whole lot of fun - except for the six weeks leading up to and including law school finals. I thrive on stress, but the one seriously negative stress in my life is academic. I can't deal. I received an email about the 40 Days of Yoga program happening at my studio in the middle of finals prep month. The email said the program would focus on a healthy diet, meditation, stress relief, and of course, yoga six days a week for forty days. I read it and instantly decided I had to do this. If I can learn how to maintain a balance between yoga, school, diet, relationship, and the rest of life, I can certainly handle the academic stress I deal with at the end of a semester. I want to maintain this new lifestyle I've found and not revert back to the sick bingeing cycle of my past.

So I'm doing it. And I'm blogging about it. I really don't know where I'm going with it. I don't know why I'm blogging about it. I just... am. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't. I may "never get there", as Yogi warns. ButI'll learn something, I think. And after my 40 day obligation has ended, who knows where my intention will set me. For now, we'll focus on day one.

It begins on Sunday.