Day 1: Irony.

Today was so ironic it couldn't be coincidence. (Check out the above post for my goals to understand a little better why).

Day 1 of 40. First class meeting at 2:00. I decided last night to start my journey with mass this morning, thinking it would be a great way to start to tackle my faith fears. Then we would go grocery shopping to make healthy choices for the week ahead.

Well, it didn't quite work out that way. Instead, I spent the entire morning sick in bed, unable to move. I was mostly all like, "Are you KIDDING ME?! I have been looking forward to this health transition for weeks and THIS IS HOW I START!?" The boy volunteered to brave the grocery store alone (there was a huge sale on Smart Water, my drink of choice for yoga - coincidence?). By the time he returned two hours later, I was able to get up, but basically looked like roadkill. No morning mass for this girl.

For some reason, I miraculously felt better by the time 1:30 rolled around, and I decided it was okay to go to class. I arrived to my studio and no one was set up for practice. Instead, we were assigned groups who will be our check-in buddies for the duration of the program. We went over the basics... and that was about it. The basics. There was no, "YOU MUST GIVE UP ALCOHOL ENTIRELY," or "YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL FOR HAVING THAT LATTE EVERY DAY." Instead, they asked us to look at what we eat every day and decide what's unnecessary. If we think, "Man, I can't give that up, I'll die," try to give it up. Look at imbalances and make them balanced. So next time I look at the Christmas cookies sitting on my desk next to my computer so nicely positioned to snack on... I should think twice about opening the box again (or think quickly about giving them away). It's an entirely self-driven program, something my list-making, organized, must have a plan ego will likely struggle with.

We went into an awareness meditation (more on that later) and one of the toughest 75 minute yoga practices ever. But I left feeling motivated and ready to take these 40 days on.

Came home, made this healthy mac and cheese alternative (highly recommended, totally good). Only had one portion and a side of broccoli (yay!). I don't think WHAT I eat will be the diet issue... though I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet... I generally eat healthy and balanced. It will be the snacking and indulging I'll have a problem with. Reactivity (see above post!).

Decided to go to mass this evening. Usually, when I go to mass, I panic that everyone's looking at the Protestant girl who doesn't know all the words and doesn't make the sign of the cross and sits awkwardly during Communion. But today, I went with an open heart and decided to give it a shot. I found myself relaxed and almost enjoying the rituals.

And then the Priest opened his homily with, "There's a credit card company who used the slogan, 'Membership has its privileges.'" Enter sermon on the privileges of baptism, the privileges of being a Christian, the membership dues and benefits, and every other possible construction of Christianity that makes Catholicism sound like a private club that I absolutely CAN NOT STAND. He literally brought up everything I've previously professed awful about Catholicism. I couldn't believe my ears. I didn't get mad. My blood didn't boil, my heart didn't race, but I did sit relatively stunned.

Of course, the mass finished beautifully, with great hymns and wonderful passages. But why THAT message, on the night that I went hoping to find some truth, some acceptance? There was clearly a reason I got sick this morning, a reason I didn't make the early mass I wanted to. I was supposed to hear this homily on this day, the day I decided to take this faith thing head on.

At the moment, my attitude is "agree to disagree." I know that there are many different ways to construe Christianity. I know I'll never love everything every leader of the faith ever says. I don't know that I can ever accept his construction, but I don't think I need to.

What I do know is that I made a small step by not getting angry and not starting a tirade in the middle of mass. I made a small step by realizing that it's okay to agree to disagree about religion sometimes. I made a small step by talking rationally about it after the mass and not bursting into tears about the horrible awfulness of it. I made a small step by not taking the Priest's construction as a personal slap against my own unfocused faith journey.

On day one, I will certainly be thankful for small.

Before I go any further...

I think I've figured out what will be my biggest challenge on this 40 day journey.

The beginning of Baptiste's book is filled with spirituality... and from skimming the rest of the book, the whole thing is chock full of it. In the first two pages, he leaves no room for yogic excuses, noting that lots of people turn to yoga for some kind of "different" spiritual experience than Christianity offers, but really Jesus and Moses taught the same things that yoga gurus do. He also says a lot of Eastern yoga teachings aren't applicable to the West, and his book will bring what IS applicable over, but will focus on a lot of Christian principles.

Basically, I should go to church because it teaches the same things I'm trying to get out of this book.

Here's the problem. I've got religion issues. Big ones. I don't want them, but they're all around me. I won't delve into it all here, because it's great fodder for later posts, but here's the background:

My mother was Catholic, my father Presbyterian. I dragged them to a Presbyterian church after attending with cousins and enjoying their children's time as a three year old. That was the beginning of a very active religious youth and family. We went every Sunday, no excuses. I participated in Sunday School, choir, youth groups, four mission trips, even gave a sermon. My parents were involved in fundraising, governance, adopting families, giving sermons, etc. We sat in the third pew from the front.

Enter college. I went to a small, Presbyterian affiliated school. I loved that school. I, however, did not love the church-y part of it. I found that I missed my home church intensely and had fallen in love with the people rather than the religion. I found any attempt to get me to go to church relatively invasive and my desire to attend disappeared.

Enter boyfriend. Comes from the same kind of very involved religious family, but Catholic. Through college he quietly attended mass every Saturday night without fail, but never made the world aware of it. Just went because it was important to him, then went about his week. He invited me. I attended. I had grown up around children who hated the Catholic religion because of it's exclusivity and 'difficult' ritual; I learned to hate it too, especially the exclusivity of Communion. I sat and cried through the first mass I went to with him, especially when I sat by myself as the rest of the church received Communion, which I believe every Christian should be able to enjoy. He still goes every week, asks me, and regardless of my response, heads to what he describes as his weekly reminder to do what's right.

Enter second year of law school. I've been to lots more Catholic masses, mostly with mild protest (though never forced to go), and back to my "home" church a few times. The place isn't the same; all things do change eventually, and it's been six years since I regularly attended. I still very much disagree with Catholic Communion rules. But I find myself floundering for some kind of religion and missing the grounding that it provided. I envy those who have remained faithful through these years, because I have plenty of friends who have. I envy those who have found new ways to be faithful as they move to different locales.

So what do I DO with Baptiste's rules, this God-fearing, faith thing I'm going to be going through the next few weeks? My stomach churns with nerves about it, though it doesn't look like much more than principles for "doing what's right". I know I need some guidelines. I know I don't want to flounder anymore. I don't know how to integrate it into my life. I don't know how to change my reaction to a more positive feeling. I have all the support I need around me to do this. It shouldn't be this difficult; I don't know why I react so violently. I said I'm going to do this 100%, but am I ready? Can I jump this seemingly massive hurdle? Am I making something huge out of nothing?

Without a doubt, the religious implementation of this program will be the most difficult piece of the 40 day puzzle.