Decompressing the day.

After my professor filibusted about filibusters in Legislation today, I really needed some decompression. I signed up to sub a yoga class tonight a few weeks ago... thank goodness I did.

It was a beginner class. Beginners can go to any class at my studio, but the beginner level focuses on the basic poses and really coaches you through them. What a great piece to the first week of practice! It was great to reconnect to the poses and really see what I'm supposed to be doing with them. When doing my 20 minute practices at home this week, I sometimes wished I had the guidance I do when at the studio. By going to this class, I relearned some things I was doing wrong.

It was also a great reminder that I am by no means a yoga pro. My body has come a long way since starting yoga, but I have a loooooooong way to go. The practice is ever evolving, and I am grateful for that.

I missed my meditation this morning. Well, not entirely. I woke up a half-hour late, rushed around to get ready, and had about 4 minutes right before I left to get something in. We're supposed to do 5 minutes each morning and night this week. So, I stood there, in my jacket, holding my tea, closed my eyes, and focused on breathing.

Surprisingly, the three minutes I stood there was some of the best meditation I've had yet. I took all the stress of getting ready and left it there. I set an intention for the day. I let my shoulders relax. It was wonderful. I really enjoyed those three minutes, maybe more than any other today.

I also had the chance several times today to work on reactivity. I think I did okay with it. The emotion flared up, I felt it, dealt with it, dealt with it, dealt with it... and finally let it go. I get upset about really dumb things... like when to cross the street. That neeeeeeeeds to stop.

I may also have a caffeine problem. I didn't think I did, but it might be the answer to my headache issues. Investigating.

Tomorrow will be my rest day, I think. I've felt so off all week, it's probably important to let myself have the day tomorrow. Rest is good for the soul. :)

Presence

Sometimes, a bad day gets in the way of even the best intentions.

I had my second night of yoga last night. After the day I experienced, my practice was anything but focused. My mind was on all the things that went wrong. I was heavy in my movement, hardly caring about what I was doing. The whole class was thumping and bumping through the flow. I was sore from the day before, trying to push myself too hard and not listening to my body. Normally, when I go to yoga, whatever burdens me is lifted. Tonight, it didn't work that way.

It was a disappointment after the motivation and intention that filled me just the day before. I treated the practice as just another thing I had to do, and that didn't work.

This morning, I did 20 minutes of yoga. The same thing occurred - I just did it because I was supposed to, and I didn't really think about what I was doing. Where did the intention go?

This week is themed "Presence". I'm not doing very well thinking about what I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe it's because I haven't made any radical diet changes, but whatever it is, I hope it clicks eventually. I don't feel like I'm actually on a journey, like I'm doing anything differently. But these are the early days, and I'm sure I'll feel that way soon. For now, I'm having trouble with it.

Day 1: Irony.

Today was so ironic it couldn't be coincidence. (Check out the above post for my goals to understand a little better why).

Day 1 of 40. First class meeting at 2:00. I decided last night to start my journey with mass this morning, thinking it would be a great way to start to tackle my faith fears. Then we would go grocery shopping to make healthy choices for the week ahead.

Well, it didn't quite work out that way. Instead, I spent the entire morning sick in bed, unable to move. I was mostly all like, "Are you KIDDING ME?! I have been looking forward to this health transition for weeks and THIS IS HOW I START!?" The boy volunteered to brave the grocery store alone (there was a huge sale on Smart Water, my drink of choice for yoga - coincidence?). By the time he returned two hours later, I was able to get up, but basically looked like roadkill. No morning mass for this girl.

For some reason, I miraculously felt better by the time 1:30 rolled around, and I decided it was okay to go to class. I arrived to my studio and no one was set up for practice. Instead, we were assigned groups who will be our check-in buddies for the duration of the program. We went over the basics... and that was about it. The basics. There was no, "YOU MUST GIVE UP ALCOHOL ENTIRELY," or "YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL FOR HAVING THAT LATTE EVERY DAY." Instead, they asked us to look at what we eat every day and decide what's unnecessary. If we think, "Man, I can't give that up, I'll die," try to give it up. Look at imbalances and make them balanced. So next time I look at the Christmas cookies sitting on my desk next to my computer so nicely positioned to snack on... I should think twice about opening the box again (or think quickly about giving them away). It's an entirely self-driven program, something my list-making, organized, must have a plan ego will likely struggle with.

We went into an awareness meditation (more on that later) and one of the toughest 75 minute yoga practices ever. But I left feeling motivated and ready to take these 40 days on.

Came home, made this healthy mac and cheese alternative (highly recommended, totally good). Only had one portion and a side of broccoli (yay!). I don't think WHAT I eat will be the diet issue... though I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet... I generally eat healthy and balanced. It will be the snacking and indulging I'll have a problem with. Reactivity (see above post!).

Decided to go to mass this evening. Usually, when I go to mass, I panic that everyone's looking at the Protestant girl who doesn't know all the words and doesn't make the sign of the cross and sits awkwardly during Communion. But today, I went with an open heart and decided to give it a shot. I found myself relaxed and almost enjoying the rituals.

And then the Priest opened his homily with, "There's a credit card company who used the slogan, 'Membership has its privileges.'" Enter sermon on the privileges of baptism, the privileges of being a Christian, the membership dues and benefits, and every other possible construction of Christianity that makes Catholicism sound like a private club that I absolutely CAN NOT STAND. He literally brought up everything I've previously professed awful about Catholicism. I couldn't believe my ears. I didn't get mad. My blood didn't boil, my heart didn't race, but I did sit relatively stunned.

Of course, the mass finished beautifully, with great hymns and wonderful passages. But why THAT message, on the night that I went hoping to find some truth, some acceptance? There was clearly a reason I got sick this morning, a reason I didn't make the early mass I wanted to. I was supposed to hear this homily on this day, the day I decided to take this faith thing head on.

At the moment, my attitude is "agree to disagree." I know that there are many different ways to construe Christianity. I know I'll never love everything every leader of the faith ever says. I don't know that I can ever accept his construction, but I don't think I need to.

What I do know is that I made a small step by not getting angry and not starting a tirade in the middle of mass. I made a small step by realizing that it's okay to agree to disagree about religion sometimes. I made a small step by talking rationally about it after the mass and not bursting into tears about the horrible awfulness of it. I made a small step by not taking the Priest's construction as a personal slap against my own unfocused faith journey.

On day one, I will certainly be thankful for small.