Yep, that's right. This wasn't a rest day. I still got a work out in - I did a cardio routine. I took a mental health day from yoga. Sounds wrong, doesn't it?
It is. And that's why I needed the break. I don't know where the anxiety I've been experiencing during my meditation came from, but it permeated through my entire life. Without going too much into a psychoanalysis on the blog, I've been living with some serious anxiety the last few days.
I've been making to-do lists (which I normally do), and having anxiety attacks if I don't finish those to-do lists. These are impossible lists. I also list all the fun things I want to do, and have a heart attack if I don't get everything fun in. I feel like I've wasted time if I do anything not on the list. I can't relax. If someone distracts me, I flip out. If it's not exactly what I want to do, it's painfully wrong. I can't think of anyone but myself, and if I try to, it falls into a panic attack. There has been nothing happy about living like this.
The only explanation I have for why this started is me trying to micromanage my life because of the huge time commitment this yoga has become. I love doing the practice, but there's so much else going on with the program its become difficult to manage. It would be difficult enough to do 75 minutes of yoga, like I'm supposed to do every day this week, and do anything else. It finally occurred to me this week that this is really interfering with my ability to do law school the way I want to do it. So, my type-A personality instinct is to try to make it all happen.
It's driving me insane. I can't shake the anxious feeling. It has been completely and totally awful. There's no reason for yoga to make me miserable like this. I needed a break. I took it today.
I don't know that just today will be enough. We'll find out.
if the whole point of this 40 day thing is to make you blissful or whatever. and its making you go insane. whyy are you doing it?? and also, if you still want to do it but not so intensely. thats allowed. no one starting something for the first time is expected to keep up with people who have been doing the program for...ever. and aren't in law school. so maybe you don't do 75 mins of yoga this week....no one will die. and if you don't like meditation the way they tell you to do it then don't do it that way. meditation is designed to put you at ease and balance everything. who cares how you get that accomplished. do it your own way. even if that way is sitting with a glass of wine and watching tv. who cares. its your time.
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