Vacation Attempt

Guys, I'm totally trying to win this vacation...

Beautiful Laguna!

http://snapknot.com/blog/2010/04/26/win-a-free-luxury-oceanfront-vacation-in-beautiful-laguna-beach-california-from-surf-sand-resort-and-snapknot/

Whatchya gonna binge on?

With less than a week left of this 40 days, I've been asked over and over again, "So, when this is done, whatchya gonna go crazy and binge on?"

I've been thinking about it, and I think the answer is nothing. No binges.

The approach I've taken since the fruit cleanse has been much less intense. I've pretty much given up on long meditations, and only doing it when I have time. I've eaten ice cream every night this week, cause I want to.

I'm still doing yoga every day at the level I'm supposed to. I'm still eating healthy foods for every meal. I'm still reading my book on Christianity. I'm still doing the excavation questions and thinking about myself. I'm still not drinking caffeine and VERY limited alcohol. But I'm making it work with my lifestyle, and I'm working on the anxiety - it hasn't been a problem since I stopped the long meditation.

There's nothing I've prevented myself from having that I could binge on, really. I'm making it work for me, and that means I don't need to binge to get back something I'm missing. I'm not missing anything that big.

So no binges... except for maybe a no yoga binge. 6 days of yoga left!

Random snowed in fun!

So if you know me, you know I'm a twitter addict.

A couple days ago, I found a tweet from Enrico's Biscotti - the famous Strip store - saying to come for soup at their new Highland Park location on Bryant St from 11-3 yesterday. That's pretty much all it said. No major details. Just... come for soup.

The boy and I had been on Bryant just the day before and saw nothing that said Enrico's Biscotti anywhere. We knew that a new location couldn't have popped up overnight - especially in a snowstorm. But we took a leap of faith and decided, at 1pm, to walk down anyway.

We headed down the snow covered street toward the shops, scanning for signs of soup. At last, we came upon what looked like an abandoned storefront that sported a piece of plywood with the words "HOT SOUP" written in permanent marker across it. Sketch? A bit...

We walked in. To our left, there was a dimly lit, packed dining room with 6 or 7 dining tables, a table set up with water, coffee and essentials, and a whole bunch of happy people. We headed through the crowd to the kitchen, where we stood in line for soup. The kitchen was a hodge podge of kitchen accessories, freshly washed bowls and people, and something of a soup kitchen feel. We were handed a bowl of Pasta Fagiolia and two pieces of freshly grilled bread. We found the edge of a table and sat down.

People were thrilled. They brought beer, wine, tea... just enjoying the different scene. The people making soup were happy to be there, a man I could only assume was the owner was talking to everyone. It was such a fun neighborhood event; everyone talking and eating and comparing snow stories. We ended up being in the last 10 people to get soup - they had gone through three pots in two hours. They took the wooden sign down, and those who didn't make the special trip would have never known hot soup was ever served.

And payment, you ask? There was a bucket with a "$5 donation" sign. That's it. It was done out of the charity and fun of Enrico's heart.

I have no idea how other people heard about it. I have no idea what will happen with this space in which we all enjoyed soup. But I'm glad we took the leap of faith and went.

Now to get to the Strip location!

Snow days...

The snow has really been jackin' my style here. We're STILL not plowed out and supposed to get another 6-10" today! UGH. The city of Pittsburgh needs a new plan (and/or a new mayor. Can we all remember this in three years?)

So I finally made it to a yoga practice at the studio last night, after a really long, harrowing drive there. It was relaxing... definitely not a full house, nothing too difficult. Nice to be in the heat. I was in a good mind frame to tackle the craziness that was the supermarket.

At the supermarket, I bought ice cream. And I had some last night. I'm totally okay with that.

My little sister and the boy have been asking me why I'm doing this whole thing if it's making me miserable. I really fell off the bandwagon during and after the fruit cleanse. I'm finally listening to them and taking the intensity of this thing down a notch. Or three notches. I can't handle it, and I refuse to make myself miserable any longer. I don't have to not enjoy my yoga practice because of some crazy scheme that I can't have a balanced life with. Maybe this is just showing me that yeah, I can have a normal, happy life, complete with exercise, if I find a balanced level.

I finally did some meditation for the first time in pretty much over a week today. Just 10 minutes. They were anxiety free minutes, and I can't ask for much more than that. Much more than that is just kind of weird to me and doesn't help my stress level at all. It's not practical for my real life, so there's no point in continuing it.

As for eating - I DO EAT HEALTHY. I don't need to just eat brown rice and beans to eat healthy. I've cut out almost ALL caffeine and alcohol. I've had a cookie just about every day, but whatever. I always come up under my calorie count.

I'm going to have to get over this feeling that I'm not doing enough because I'm not doing what "everyone else" is, and remember that I'm doing enough for me. I need to get over feeling guilty about the cookies. I feel like I've given up, and I hate, hate, hate HATE that feeling.

Eight more days of no exercise but yoga, eating right (with some ice cream and cookies interspersed, cause... I can?) and some meditation. I can do that.

week 5.

Happy Superbowl Sunday. :)

Due to weather conditions here in the 'burgh, and especially in my neighborhood, I couldn't make the regular Sunday yoga meeting today. I was pretty bummed out about it, but it just isn't safe to drive around here. Trees down, roads packed with ice, haven't seen a plow YET (and it stopped snowing yesterday). Took us 90 minutes to get 23" of snow off of the car with a pot and a broken broom head. Supposed to get another 6" Tuesday. Blah.

This week is 75 minutes of yoga and 25 minutes of meditation morning and night.

Mmmmmk. Can handle the yoga. The meditation... umm... uhh... not real sure what to do about that. 20 minutes caused anxiety attacks. 25 minutes? I'll attempt it at some point.

We clearly didn't make it to church today, so I started reading a book on the Christian faith given to me by a dear friend. It's called "Velvet Elvis". I'm 34 pages in and already agree with a lot of what it has to say, so I'm looking forward to the read. When a book focuses on questioning the faith as an important part of what needs done, I'm hooked.

I'll keep you posted on the week, but I'm pretty ambivalent... probably not a good way to start the week.

break..

I didn't do any yoga today.

Yep, that's right. This wasn't a rest day. I still got a work out in - I did a cardio routine. I took a mental health day from yoga. Sounds wrong, doesn't it?

It is. And that's why I needed the break. I don't know where the anxiety I've been experiencing during my meditation came from, but it permeated through my entire life. Without going too much into a psychoanalysis on the blog, I've been living with some serious anxiety the last few days.

I've been making to-do lists (which I normally do), and having anxiety attacks if I don't finish those to-do lists. These are impossible lists. I also list all the fun things I want to do, and have a heart attack if I don't get everything fun in. I feel like I've wasted time if I do anything not on the list. I can't relax. If someone distracts me, I flip out. If it's not exactly what I want to do, it's painfully wrong. I can't think of anyone but myself, and if I try to, it falls into a panic attack. There has been nothing happy about living like this.

The only explanation I have for why this started is me trying to micromanage my life because of the huge time commitment this yoga has become. I love doing the practice, but there's so much else going on with the program its become difficult to manage. It would be difficult enough to do 75 minutes of yoga, like I'm supposed to do every day this week, and do anything else. It finally occurred to me this week that this is really interfering with my ability to do law school the way I want to do it. So, my type-A personality instinct is to try to make it all happen.

It's driving me insane. I can't shake the anxious feeling. It has been completely and totally awful. There's no reason for yoga to make me miserable like this. I needed a break. I took it today.

I don't know that just today will be enough. We'll find out.

My reaction...

Yesterday was my rest day, and I really needed a rest from everything yoga. EVERYTHING (thus, no blog). I did get some meditation in, but more on that later.

As my first post-fruit-cleanse meal, I had oatmeal with mashed banana in it. It was good! It was something familiar to my body so not too shocking. Everything seemed fine. I snacked on carrots right before lunch.

Our instructors sent us some suggestions for after the cleanse. I was so excited because sushi, one of my favorite dishes, was one of the items! I headed over to the sushi place across from the law school. I ordered a California roll because it too had items familiar to my body - avacado, rice. I also ordered a spicy tuna roll... just because I love it. Turns out they forgot the spicy part of the roll. I was disappointed but it was a healthier option, so I dealt with it.

I ate the rolls pretty slowly, taking my time so as not to shock my system. I finished, content... and then it went downhill. I started getting ravenously hungry, feeling my appetite increase second-by-second. I started shaking. My breath started to get heavier. My attitude dipped dramatically. I didn't know what to do... all I could think about was getting more food. I sat with it for a while, but my mind kept coming back to wanting the free cookies upstairs. I decided to eat an apple. After the apple I was STILL hungry... until I stood up.

I stood up and felt how full my stomach was. Suddenly, all that ravenous appetite went away. I ventured up to the free cookies and grabbed one, but truly didn't want one. I stored it away for later as the apple was supposed to be my snack. The cookie had no effect on me when I did eat it later.

I made veggie and very lean ground beef stuffed red peppers for dinner. Nothing but veggies, beef and a little taco seasoning. I was fine while I ate it, but later that night I felt AWFUL again. This was a stomach ache like I haven't had before. It made me so ill I was in bed by 10:30.

Just before bed I decided to do my meditation. I had done the 20 minute morning one just fine. After 10 minutes, the anxious feeling I've mentioned before creeped up. I tried to focus on my breath, but that just made me more anxious. I tried removing my sweatshirt, and it creeped back up again. I tried to focus on my hands, switch positions, open my eyes - no dice. I finally had to give up on it because it felt like a full anxiety attack.

I'm not sure what the hell is going on, but after the last four days I'm feeling pretty jaded with the process. I still loooooove doing yoga every day, and it really makes me happy, but the rest of it? UGH. This stress is not conducive to stress-relief and relaxation, the goals of the program...

In good news, I've eaten pretty much what I want today and been successful at it. :)

Over it.

I just want this fruit cleanse to be donnnnneee. I'm way over it.

I'm sick of feeling sick, feeling weak, feeling awful and exhausted. I hate not being able to concentrate on homework because my mind is too foggy. I hate sitting in the law school basement and smelling fabulous foods for hours and just having to deal with it, feeling completely unfulfilled myself. I'm sick of my stomach feeling like it wants to eat itself because it's so hungry but not being able to even think about fruit without wanting to heave. My energy is low, and I can't stand it anymore.

I hate daydreaming about what I could eat tomorrow when I know all I can really have is bland, wholesome foods tomorrow. I want a freakin' pizza.

I really haven't experienced any of the positive effects of this thing that we were told about. The whites of my eyes aren't glowing... I don't feel like I'm flying through my yoga practice. I DO feel lighter - but who wouldn't after not really eating for three days!?

My best day was yesterday. Today's energy was fine, but I definitely felt my sugar drop around 6 while I was on the bus home and couldn't do anything about it. That nausea is not okay.

I am definitely proud of myself that I stuck through this til the end. Yes, I added some brown rice and nuts, but if I didn't I would've been hospitalized, I think.

Can not wait 'til tomorrow.

Yep, gave in.

I gave in. Had a handful of peanuts and a piece of whole grain bread. I was feeling weak, exhausted, my stomach felt like it was going to eat itself, and if I ate another piece of fruit it certainly wasn't staying down.

Every individual is different, right? Sigh.

Fruit Cleanse... day 2.

I'm so over this.

That said, today was monumentally better than yesterday in terms of physical and mental stamina. I didn't feel so incredibly hungry, and the fog was only there sometimes. At some points I actually didn't feel like I was even on the fast. Until tonight, I was really okay. Now I kinda feel that sick sugar feeling again...

The biggest problem today is the opposition I've received for undertaking this cleanse. A lot of people thought I was nuts for undergoing 40 days of yoga. They voiced their opposition, and I smiled at them, knowing I could handle it.

But it's just gotten vicious now.

I've been told I'm insane, that what I'm doing is dangerous, that I need to stop now, that I never should've started in the first place, that I'm doing too much, that I'm acting like I'm in a cult, that I'm being too extreme, all while getting shocked stares every time I eat a piece of fruit. Some of it is out of concern, some of it is out of plain wonder.

I don't understand why on the SECOND DAY of my cleanse, when I really need the most support, I encountered the most push back. Everyone knew this was coming; it wasn't like I surprised anyone. Opinions could've been voiced prior to this, and I would've been a little more open to it. I'm in the middle. No turning back. Your concerns and attacks are lost on me.

I also don't understand why no one seems to think I thought pretty carefully about my body's ability to handle this. I discussed it with my instructors and a dietitian. I looked at my shortcuts and options. And I'm being smart about the process - taking it easy at yoga last night and practicing at home for the remaining days, eating brown rice when I need to, going to bed early. Believe it or not, I'm not an idiot, and I don't need to be treated like one.

I don't need to justify this to anyone but myself. I'm not doing it alone. I have lots of support around me. And guess what? It's over tomorrow. I bet you I'll survive.

I want real food.

Like, now. I would kill for anything starchy or salty or crunchy or NOT SWEET. Anything.

It was a tough day. I woke up, had my half of a grapefruit, made a smoothie and trekked off to school. I had a pretty substantial lunch packed. Fruit salad of pineapple, blueberries and oranges. Apple for a later snack, along with dried apricots and cherry tomatoes.

By the time I was midway through lunch I thought I might go into sugar shock.

I didn't try to shove my face with fruit. I was really hungry. I paced myself, but every hour hunger would creep up again. 2:30 rolled around and I didn't want to look at another fruit much less eat one.

I arrived home and wasn't sure how I would make it through yoga this afternoon. I was in no state of physical being to do so, as I was shaky and nauseous. I wasn't in a mental state to go through with yoga either. Everything felt like it was in a fog... I could hardly think. Friends said I didn't look like myself.

And then an avocado saved my life.

I made an avacado and tomato "salad" - really, I just cut them up and warmed them in the microwave. IT WAS FANTASTIC. I couldn't get it down fast enough. It filled me up. The avocado tasted like TURKEY. That fat was the best thing I'd had all day. It gave me the sustenance I needed to survive through yoga.

And survive I did. I didn't push myself too hard, but I maintained a restorative mindset through the practice. It was good. I ended mentally and physically exhausted - more so than I have maybe ever.

When I came home, I wasn't sure if I should eat or not. I was feeling pretty queasy. I decided it was important after a strenuous practice to have brown rice (which we are allowed if necessary on this diet), and tomato soup (which had cream and spices in it, shoot me). Now I feel uber full because those were the heaviest things of my day. BUT I don't feel queasy anymore.

Just bloated, exhausted, and not ready for another day.

Mid-day report

I feel kinda foggy, groggy, off. I'm really missing the full feeling I'm used to when I eat. I don't feel satisfied. My energy isn't any lower, but I feel like if I eat any more fruit I'm going to go into sugar shock. It doesn't feel good.

I don't feel awful, but I certainly don't feel good. I guess this is part of detoxifying - the bad has to come out before the benefits arise?

I just want a piece of bread. Really. Just one.

Nervous as it gets about yoga tonight.

Fruit cleanse.

So... week four includes a three day fruit cleanse. That means nothing but fruit... for three straight days. Still going to yoga. Still going to school. No added sugar, no olive oil, no onions for flavor. Just surviving on fruit for three days.

I start tomorrow.

I couldn't be more nervous.

We went to the grocery store and picked up every fruit Giant Eagle and Trader Joes stocked. I'm so afraid of being hungry that I got everything I could think of. The instructors told us it's important to actually prepare meals, and sit down and eat them. I'm not sure how I'm going to work that out - taking food to school and everything. Will it get brown and taste awful?! What if I get hungry at school?! And I have practice at the studio tomorrow night - will I pass out?! It's tough enough when I can eat real food!

Three days of it. There are 60 other people doing it. I can be a big girl about it. Expect a lot of posts in the next few days as I try to not gnaw my arm off. Hopefully it will really be a detoxifying process. I truly believe it will be.

But I'm still pretty scurred.

Side note: I realized this past week (big week for realizations) that this process isn't just effecting me - it's seriously affecting the people I'm close to. It is an intensely individual process with very individual goals and means. My boy has been SO supportive to me the whole time... and I've just been ignoring him, expecting that help rather than showing my serious appreciation for it. He brought it up a few days ago, and it wasn't something I noticed before. At first I was really offended, thinking I had let him know enough, but after watching and thinking through my reactions to him for a few days, he's absolutely right. Just because this process is individualized doesn't mean I need to shut off the people I love and only think about myself. This week, as part of my fruit cleanse, I'm hoping to not only detox my body, but detox my heart, and show him how much what he does for me means to me!

Learning from the week...

Week four! 20 minutes of meditation morning and night, and at least 60 minutes of yoga a day. Yeesh.

Let's look back at the week just a little. We already know about my cereal freak out. What did I learn? That setbacks are just that - setbacks. They do not impede the real life changes I'm making, whether they be dietary, emotional, physical or spiritual. One night of hitting the cereal box is not going to make a big difference. Moving forward and not giving up is so very vital. I'm glad I kept going.

I think I figured out why I felt so awful, too. I really tried to work with dairy... I just can't. It's not going to be a viable part of my diet when it makes me feel that bad. I really need to get to a doctor to figure that out... sometime.

This week taught me that sometimes it's okay to give in a little. We had a dear friend over on Friday night and headed to the bar. Only had one drink, but had a burger and coleslaw, too (only half the bun!). There were no good options at this bar, but I did what I could and just enjoyed the evening. My biggest setback of the week heading to the Melting Pot for cheese and chocolate. I did some very serious soul searching before I left... I think I rationalized the choice every way possible. But it happened. I felt guilty all today. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had made a horrible mistake even though I had an absolutely wonderful evening. But at the end of yoga practice today, the instructor said, "Forgive yourself for all the screw-ups you've had, and start fresh now." There are so many good things to be done. I'm not going to let my diet let down this week ruin all the good things that have happened so far.

Same goes for meditation. I only had two days this week that I got 15 minutes for both morning and night. Some days it was 8 and 15, others 15 and 10... it was a very difficult few days for this. At points my emotions were too strong, and I couldn't sit with them. I know the point is to stick with it through those, but I thought I was going to stop breathing I got so anxious. So I stopped. I hope this week I can sit longer through those feelings when they bubble up.

One positive meditation moment came when I realized I was using my meditative state to focus better - to just "be". When I found I was unfocused in a class or in church today, I brought it back to my breath, thought about what I was doing, and then refocused on the task at hand. That felt so WONDERFUL to be able to do! My mind wandered less, and I didn't feel like I needed to focus on 50 things at once.

This coming week's theme is restoration. I plan to restore my intentions with this process, and give it 1000%, regardless of this past week's potholes!

Quick thanks!

Thanks for all your words of advice and encouragement. I need one more day to refocus before I blog again. Today was so, so, so much better than yesterday, but I'm just going to let this feeling be before trying to dissect it here.

One minor setback is not going to throw me off. Not this girl!

ANGRY!

I'm having a really angry day.

Last night, a couple hours after having made a fabulous Mexican Stew, I decided it would be a fanfreakingtastic idea to munch on a bit of cereal since I was still up and kind of bored. I wasn't at all hungry - just bored. Well a little bit turned into a LOT of cereal. I started to feel full, but that didn't stop me... I continued to just reach into the box MINDLESSLY until I eventually got bored with it. I felt sooooo full when I was done. It wasn't a good feeling, and I lost the great taste of the stew and instead had a bland cereal taste in my mouth.

That full feeling ruined my night. I was so disappointed in myself. I tried to meditate but felt too fat and heavy to really sit there. Every thought in my head was negative. I had to stop early because it felt like war rather than peace. I went to bed angry and upset with my stupid decision.

I woke up this morning and the negativity continued. I woke up early so I could get ready slowly and easily. Instead, I picked fights and spatted and got myself all worked up. I ended up fighting so much that I didn't have time for a full meditation this morning.

I'm SO ANGRY. When I woke up I felt full still. Today is supposed to be my rest day but I feel so fat that I want to do something. I don't feel I should do yoga because when I'm at home I don't feel like it's an effective workout. I only feel like it's effective when I'm at the studio because of the heat increase. I certainly don't have time for a workout and THEN 45 mins of yoga - that's just insanity.

So basically - I'm pissed off I overindulged last night, and I'm pissed off that EVEN WITH ALL THE DIET CHANGES AND ALL THE EFFORT I'M PUTTING IN TO THIS THING, I FEEL HEAVIER!!! And not good muscle heavy. FAT. FAT. FAT.

Why even bother? Why did I refuse the free pizza or submarine sandwich lunch today for my carrots, fruit and sandwich TO FEEL WORSE?! Why only do yoga for forty days when I'm gaining weight in the process?!?!

This was a one day thing. This process is not just about weight loss and muscle toning - it's about stress relief and moderation. But how can just ONE DAY of setback make me feel like a FREAKING WHALE.

So. Completely. Upset. I think I'm going to use my rest day to do some other kind of exercise. But that's not what it's supposed to be about!!!!! UGHHHHHHH.

JUST BE.

I rolled out of bed this morning, exhausted from a short night of sleep, only lulled out of bed by my yoga mat calling my name. I got on my mat and started going through the motions. Knowing the opening positions by heart, I went through them while thinking about what I needed to accomplish today.

Opening sun salutations were fine - I was moving enough that I could focus on my next pose and not have much time to wander away. But when I started to hold poses for longer periods of time, my mind left the yoga mat. I didn't really think much about it. I did think, "Wow, this hasn't been a really fulfilling practice so far." When I reached the standing balancing poses, I couldn't balance. I kept falling out of the poses, tripping over myself and not getting anything from them.

And then it hit me. I wasn't in my practice. I was thinking about everything else I had to do and not focusing on the moment at hand. I wasn't allowing myself to just BE there and enjoy what I was doing. As soon as I realized this and put my energy toward focusing on my practice, everything came into balance. I was able to get something out of the practice rather than wasting 45 minutes of my morning with mindless physical work.

Not allowing myself to BE in a moment is a problem that transcends the yoga mat in my life. Sitting in class in law school, I'm on the internet and doing all the "other" things I need to be doing... crossing things off my to-do list while the professor talks at me. But I learn so very much more when I engage and AM in the class. Yes, there are plenty of other things to be accomplishing, but I need to BE in that classroom. When I'm studying I need to be eating or distract myself with something outside the reading, music or whatever, instead of reading and investing in the words. In my relationships, I need to be doing something at all times - I have trouble just sitting and being with people.

I need to work on just being. Engaging. Focusing in on the moment at hand. Everything will get done... no point worrying about the next five minutes, five days, or five years from now. Enjoy more of this moment, and stress relief will come.

With that said... I'm gonna go enjoy a moment or two. :)

Super quick update...

It's late, and I'm tired, but this blog keeps me accountable for this journey.

Started the morning with 45 minutes of yoga. I used the book's version of a class, which was nice to follow... but I really missed hearing an instructor telling me what to do. The instructors have wonderfully created podcasts for us to listen to when we're at home for yoga. There are no podcasts for us in the 45 minute level, only 30 and 75... so book it is this week. I'm really subscribing to this program as steps each week, so I'm not going to jump into a 75 minute podcast just because. If I'm supposed to do 45 minutes then that's what I'll do if I'm not at the studio. I don't feel like the book is as good a workout as the podcasts, mostly because I'm reading in between poses and cutting into the flow... but that's the resource I've got!

Meditation was cut short this morning. I managed to get 8 minutes in. About six minutes in I really started to clear my head and feel relaxed... and then the timer went off. Ugh. I tried to do 8 minutes in the afternoon but got interrupted by this and that... I'll definitely do a full 15 tonight. Last night was a distracting meditation because I kept hearing conversations around me and couldn't pull back into my head. I would just listen to the voices around me. I can meditate with a constant noise around me, but not with individual voices. I need to find a way to get them to shut up... nicely, of course. :)

I tried to bake my wheat bread tonight. The process was really nice... mix, knead, rise, knead, rise, knead, rise. All with my hands - no bread machine here! It turned out well... I had anticipated using the bread for sandwiches the rest of the week, but I'm not sure it will work out. It's not exactly sandwich bread material... crumbly, thick and only crusty on the top! Maybe it's not supposed to be, though? I might try a different recipe next time.

Time to turn in for the night.

Whole foods and diet.

So remember last week when I had that meltdown about not having time to make all my own food from scratch and from completely fresh ingredients because I thought that's what the program required? Remember how the instructor told me I was crazy (in the sweetest way possible), and I should just eat healthier?

Well... I went crazy anyway. Like I've stressed before, my diet isn't terrible. So I figured, why not try and make a few more things and see what happens? I happened to fall in love with it.

Friday night I made a Japanese rice bowl. It was pretty tasteless and awful, so I followed it up with a fabulous peach cobbler. Saturday I was out the whole day, but when I got home I made an incredibly thick and rich hot chocolate. Sunday I created homemade granola bars for the week and making whole wheat pizza dough and the resulting pizza from scratch. Tonight (or tomorrow night) I'm baking a loaf of bread to have for sandwiches the rest of the week.

Dinner for this week will consist of salmon fillets and salad, creamy asparagus and chicken pasta, a Mexican stew, and french onion soup - all homemade, using as little canned and frozen stuff as possible. My grocery bill was a little shocking this week, but I'll figure that out later...

I've found that I really enjoy planning and creating balanced meals that leave you feeling satisfied. I take joy in creating something that tastes fabulous but won't leave your body sick from fat and sugar intake.

Part of my late-night eating issue is not eating enough hearty food during the day, I think. I took a look at the food pyramid today to see if I am feeding myself the correct proportions - lo and behold, I'm not getting enough carbs. 6 to 11 servings of carbohydrates a day! I was getting probably 3-5. That explains a lot of how I was feeling - never satisfied, always reaching, kind of shaky at points.

Another significant diet issue is dairy. I drank a TON of milk as a child. I loved yogurt and cottage cheese and all of the good stuff. Last year I think I overdosed and developed some kind of allergy to it, and now I get sick when I have it. I've tried soy as a supplement, and that makes me feel pretty awful as well. I avoid it like the plague, and that probably doesn't help my empty feelings, either. I've recently tried to reincorporate small amounts of it in (like greek yogurt and soy milk) because I know it's necessary, but I wish I didn't feel so awful.

Work in progress, right?

As an aside, I had a fabulously calm and peaceful day today. I woke up early and was able to meditate, drink tea, answer this week's personal excavation questions and just breathe before the start of my week. I had time because I had practice at the studio tonight. Tomorrow morning won't be so peaceful because I have to practice in the morning, but a slow, easy morning made for a great start to my week.

Ahhhhh!

I know, I know... I've neglected the blog a bit. After my rest day Thursday life has been a whirlwind - but not enough of one to stop me from practicing! :) I went to an amazing practice at the studio on Friday and woke up early early on Saturday to make sure I got it in before a busy day.

Today begins week three of this adventure. At least fifteen minutes of meditation morning and night, and 45 minutes of yoga a day. Focus: Equanimity. I'm nervous about 15 minutes of meditation...

Update on my faith challenge: We went to church this morning at a different location. I can't find the words to correctly explain to you the positive impact a new church had on me. The vibe was entirely different. I fell in love with the priest almost immediately; his message was right on point with what I needed to hear. People actually SANG - the place felt alive and worshipful. The hymns were inspiring and the readings thoughtful. By the end I was holding back tears because of how much of a difference it made.

That said, I think it's worth me trying someplace new again next week. I know I can come back to that church, but I want to make sure I don't just settle because it's comfortable. This is a challenge, and I need to continue to explore my options and my feelings. Finally feeling relaxed and alive after a service is a very small step in this very big journey, but it's one I'm so thankful I was finally able to take.

Update on my practice: I've really enjoyed yoga in the morning. I'm truly surprised at how nicely it sets the tone for my day. Before I started this challenge I practiced at night because I've never considered myself much of a morning person, and it works in my schedule better, so waking up to practice is foreign to me. It's difficult to get in to because I'm so tight and tired, but once I start a good flow it's an incredible experience. The relief at the end is an awakening rather than relaxing - perfect to cultivate an uplifted spirit to carry me through the day.

Today's class was focused on holding equanimity through the poses, so we held each pose longer. The challenge was to find a place where we weren't struggling too hard but still worked at the pose. I was really enjoying this different style... until the very end when the instructor said, "Set your mats for frog." I had heard of the pose but never experienced it myself.

It's a hip opener, maybe the strongest in yoga. I have extremely tight hips which have caused me serious back issues for years. Our instructor continued to tell us not to give up, negative thoughts would continue to come through our minds and our bodies might want to fight it, but just breathe through it. She equated it to a difficult time in our lives and how we handle that kind of emotion.

In just a few minutes, I experienced every emotion I know. I began in a comfortable place, focusing on breath, but after a little while I had tears streaming down my face and was battling for air. It was an awful feeling, stuck in this pose with nowhere to go but further into the pain. It truly reminded me of being extremely upset at something and wanting to just give up. I could hardly stand it. But I focused on breathing, recomposed myself, and moved through it. I was so proud of myself that I was able to move through that pain and bring myself out of it. It's something I need to work on a ton more, both in yoga and in life, but one small step at a time.

Much more to come!

Good morning!

I know it's not morning now. It's evening, and I should be greeting you with, "Good evening." I mean that it was a good morning.

I woke up after only ONE snooze button slap! Got a fabulous 30 minute yoga practice in, and I decided I'd attempt to get ready before meditating again. It worked this time! I went with my hair up instead of down and had plenty of time for a full ten minute meditation.

I don't know that I'll have time to meditate this way as the time requirements get longer, but it made a huge difference in my day. I was really able to focus on letting life go while I meditated since all the real busyness of my morning had subsided. That focus remained with me through the day, and I noticed that I still had the deep breath I maintained during meditation after my first class, some two hours later. It was such a refreshing feeling being able to breathe that calmly and deeply.

I've started to feel "lighter", like my body isn't carrying around so much heaviness. I don't think I've lost any weight so far, but I feel like something has been lifted off my shoulders. It may be a state of mind. It may be the removal of some of the chips and crackers and holiday junk I was eating. I'm not really sure what it is yet, but my body, and life, feels a little more at ease.

I do have to be careful not to lose my life focus. Law school does go on, no matter how much I want to bake and cook and discover and be.

Let's hope this isn't the last good morning. Tomorrow is a rest day.

Support.

I missed my meditation this morning. Blech. I thought I would try something new and get ready before I meditated, letting all the hecticness of the morning go by clearing my mind before the day started. Fail. I ran out of time, so I'll have to get up earlier in the morning I guess.

To his credit, the boy valiantly attempted to get me up earlier. He was up, heard my alarm go off, and tried to wake me because he knew I had to meditate and practice before getting ready. I ignored him for 3 snoozes before I finally rose and got to it.

I had a long day and didn't get home until 8:00 tonight. When I arrived, boy had a meal prepared that was completely made of whole foods. This is a guy who would be completely happy with whatever frozen stuff he could find, but because he knows I'm on a stricter diet this week, he made a huge effort to have a great meal ready upon my arrival. Without that, I probably would've resorted to something canned or frozen tonight rather than sticking to the plan. He even made enough so I could take some with me for another late night on Thursday.

It's that kind of support that's really getting me through these long days. I want to do everything right, but of course, life gets in the way. You do the best you can, but it's the love and help of others that make it bearable.

Your comments, suggestions, questions, and notes checking in on how I'm doing have lifted my heart in moments that I don't wanna do it anymore. I know there will be more of those moments as these days go on. Know that your support has really touched me, and without it, this journey would be much more difficult.

Keep 'em coming. :)

FOOOOOOD.

Let's talk about food.

I read the week two section on diet last night. The focus? Whole foods - "as much as you are able", avoid canned, frozen, microwavable, and generally processed foods. Okay, I thought, that's not so bad...

Then I really started thinking about it. I thought about how often I use canned or frozen goods - especially meat! Even if I buy something fresh, it generally goes in the freezer. Could I not use those things? I have jarred pasta sauce... frozen vegetables... do I really have to make my own pasta sauce? Bake my own bread? Pick more of the lousy hydroponic veggies at the grocery store?

I made some breakfast cookies to replace the processed Special K breakfast bars I eat almost every day. I could spend all day baking and cooking to replace the processed things I eat all week. I'd love to do that, but there's just not time.

So I brought my concerns to the studio tonight. At practice, I talked to some other people who are also on the 40 day journey to figure out how they were changing their diet. One girl said she's just trying to make healthier recipes, another said she was changing her breakfasts to yogurt, fruit and granola. I spoke to the instructor about it... and she laughed.

It would be IMPOSSIBLE in January to completely have "whole" foods. There's no fresh food! She suggested to purchase more organic things, which I do a lot of already. Many of the dietary things people are changing I already incorporate into my daily habits. I'm better about fresh food in the summer, but who isn't? I can only do what's realistic.

That said, I'm still going to try to do mostly whole foods - and I may even try my own pasta sauce. It's about changing SOMETHING, so making more wholesome dinners might be the ticket. But tonight, at 8pm after yoga, I had Lobster Ravioli from Trader Joe's... packaged, processed, but very few preservatives. It was all I could handle. I was good the rest of the day. :)

Week 2 begins.

Week two: at least 30 minutes of yoga a day, and 10 minutes of meditation morning and night.

Started out the morning by going to mass. Same place as last week. Just because this is how life works, it was the same priest. Because irony is fun, the gospel message was my favorite Bible story, the one I've held on to through my disillusionment with religion. And because I apparently needed some more torture with this journey, the priest made my favorite Bible story into a homily about death and destruction in Haiti... and abortion.

Mmmmmhmmmm. Yum-yum.

It wasn't so much the subject matter of the sermon. Wait, who am I kidding. Yes it was. The fact that the message so badly mangled my interpretation of the story about Jesus' first miracle jarred me so much I had to leave after Communion was served. I couldn't bear another second. Why that story? Why this week?

The signs are so obvious... but I don't have a clue what they're pointing to. Do I keep going to this church with this priest and face it each week as he shoves my biggest problems with religion in my face? Or is that stubborn? Do I change gears and try a different congregation, different denomination (perhaps the one I was raised with?), and see what happens? Or is that running away?

During yoga class today, we had to pick a word that would describe our attitude toward this next week. I chose openness. I need to remain open to figure out what I'm supposed to do with this weekly battering. I know where I'm leaning, but I want to clear my mind and figure it out with an open heart.

I shared the story of the past two weekends and my faith debacle with the class today. It was rather liberating, telling 60 other people that I have no idea what to do. I had several people approach me after, saying that they face the same issues I do. One considered yoga more spiritual than church because she feels church separates people. Another has a relationship with God, but has yet to find the right faith community to share that with. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this.

So this week... the official theme is vitality, but my word is openness. Open to hear whatever is trying to knock down the walls I've put up. Open to listen to my body, play with my eating habits and figure out what will sustain me through the day. Open to a longer meditation. Open to a healthy, vigorous practice.

Here we go.

Moderation

I absolutely needed that rest day yesterday. 100%. I woke up and was still exhausted, so I laid around and did virtually nothing until 2:30. Bliss.

We went out to celebrate some friends birthdays last night. I told myself beforehand I would only have one drink. My goal is moderation for these 40 days, since I think depriving myself of anything entirely is not only unrealistic and depressing now, it's unrealistic in life beyond this challenge. I can show restraint by limiting to just a few and stay happy by allowing myself some of whatever it is.

Two years ago, the prospect of just having one drink and having to deal with people out was miserable. Last night, I had a ton of fun. I didn't need the alcohol. The moderation was actually better than feeling pressured to have six... or ten. I woke up this morning feeling great, had an outstanding meditation and yoga practice, and was ready for my day. I prefer that method to laying in bed until mid-afternoon feeling like death.

I'm struggling with the amount of food I'm eating. Like I've said before, WHAT I eat isn't a problem. It's the amount... especially at night, after dinner, when I'm still awake four hours later and getting hungry again. I then go to the kitchen, find whatever's in there, and pig out. Moderation is struggling here. I especially had trouble after Thursday night's yoga practice and going out last night (alcohol in any amount always feels like an enabler for food).

Any suggestions to deal with the late night cravings?

Decompressing the day.

After my professor filibusted about filibusters in Legislation today, I really needed some decompression. I signed up to sub a yoga class tonight a few weeks ago... thank goodness I did.

It was a beginner class. Beginners can go to any class at my studio, but the beginner level focuses on the basic poses and really coaches you through them. What a great piece to the first week of practice! It was great to reconnect to the poses and really see what I'm supposed to be doing with them. When doing my 20 minute practices at home this week, I sometimes wished I had the guidance I do when at the studio. By going to this class, I relearned some things I was doing wrong.

It was also a great reminder that I am by no means a yoga pro. My body has come a long way since starting yoga, but I have a loooooooong way to go. The practice is ever evolving, and I am grateful for that.

I missed my meditation this morning. Well, not entirely. I woke up a half-hour late, rushed around to get ready, and had about 4 minutes right before I left to get something in. We're supposed to do 5 minutes each morning and night this week. So, I stood there, in my jacket, holding my tea, closed my eyes, and focused on breathing.

Surprisingly, the three minutes I stood there was some of the best meditation I've had yet. I took all the stress of getting ready and left it there. I set an intention for the day. I let my shoulders relax. It was wonderful. I really enjoyed those three minutes, maybe more than any other today.

I also had the chance several times today to work on reactivity. I think I did okay with it. The emotion flared up, I felt it, dealt with it, dealt with it, dealt with it... and finally let it go. I get upset about really dumb things... like when to cross the street. That neeeeeeeeds to stop.

I may also have a caffeine problem. I didn't think I did, but it might be the answer to my headache issues. Investigating.

Tomorrow will be my rest day, I think. I've felt so off all week, it's probably important to let myself have the day tomorrow. Rest is good for the soul. :)

Headache.

I'm having a hard time taking my mind off of Haiti tonight. My "issues" seem so small compared to what the people there are undertaking at the moment. But for now... personal reflection.

The timing of this 40 day journey is perfect and awful, all at the same time. It began the day before the first day of the semester. Perfect because the workload isn't heavy in the beginning, it gives me a way to incorporate new habits early and simultaneously start anew. Awful because getting used to a new semester is always discombobulated, stressful and tiring, I don't have a set pattern to inject yoga practice in to, and I could use some time to settle in.

But life rarely lets you "settle in", right?

I'm basically whining. I've had these crazy headaches from lack of a sleep pattern, I suppose, for the past three days. They settle in around around 1:30 and kill my mood and certainly the rest of my day. I've been cutting out excesses in my diet, so I haven't let myself go grab the afternoon Starbucks I think will help (but I'm not a caffeine fiend, so this might be wishful thinking). I've tried caffeine free tea, yoga, rest... nothing kills it. I finally gave in with some ibuprofen (and ice cream!) today. But that's not what I want.

I know I've only been in school three days, but it feels like an eternity, and the new yoga-mediation schedule has been tough to get used to. Struggling through these headaches has made it even more difficult.

In good news, I had a really good, focused practice this morning and a good morning meditation. I had the chance to do this week's meditation questions last night. They pointed to different areas of my life and asked me how I felt about them. There are so many things that could really use some focus and attention. Each question brought up something different I would love to address. But I've gotta keep plugging away at the two areas I've chosen.

Did I mention that I randomly chose a journal for this journey that includes Bible verses at the bottom of each page? I just noticed it last night. Awareness and presence.

Presence

Sometimes, a bad day gets in the way of even the best intentions.

I had my second night of yoga last night. After the day I experienced, my practice was anything but focused. My mind was on all the things that went wrong. I was heavy in my movement, hardly caring about what I was doing. The whole class was thumping and bumping through the flow. I was sore from the day before, trying to push myself too hard and not listening to my body. Normally, when I go to yoga, whatever burdens me is lifted. Tonight, it didn't work that way.

It was a disappointment after the motivation and intention that filled me just the day before. I treated the practice as just another thing I had to do, and that didn't work.

This morning, I did 20 minutes of yoga. The same thing occurred - I just did it because I was supposed to, and I didn't really think about what I was doing. Where did the intention go?

This week is themed "Presence". I'm not doing very well thinking about what I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe it's because I haven't made any radical diet changes, but whatever it is, I hope it clicks eventually. I don't feel like I'm actually on a journey, like I'm doing anything differently. But these are the early days, and I'm sure I'll feel that way soon. For now, I'm having trouble with it.

Meditation...

"You can observe a lot just by watching." -Yogi Berra.

So this meditation thing is just as difficult to start as everyone warned me it would be.

I'm hoping to use the meditative part of this program to cool my reactivity and relax in the chaos of all my to-do lists. It's not an easy thing to do. I make to-do lists so what needs done sticks with me. The point of the awareness style meditation we're practicing in these 40 days is letting your thoughts go and not obsessing over them. This means focusing on nothing, but when a thought comes to you, recognize it, then let it pass. So what, I'm supposed to just let my constantly nagging to-do list out of my head?

In a word, yes.

But I haven't even gotten there yet. This week I'm supposed to start with 5 minutes of meditation each morning and evening. I'm so distracted by outside noise of general apartment living (showers going, doors slamming, babies crying) it's hard to get a grip on focusing in the first place, and by the time I do, the 5 minutes is over. I'm too busy worrying about shutting out everything going on around me that what's in my head hasn't had a chance to surface yet. I could use some more time on this... thankfully, I get it. Plenty of time.

Taking another 75 minute class tonight... I'm sore today from yesterday's workout. I'm thankful for two days of 20 minute classes coming up.

40 day actual revolutions...

We came up with what our personal revolution, our breakthroughs, would be in class today. If things go well, what will we get out of this? My instant thoughts were faith and control.
Faith: I want to figure out the reasons behind my negative reactions. I want to re-realize that there is a power above, somewhere, that there are guidelines good people should live by, and that I am able to live by them. This is deep.
Control: What I meant by control was reactivity. I want to lessen my reactivity to my instant and ever-changing emotions, my need to control situations, my cravings for food. Instead of reacting immediately, breathe for a second, think about it, and then act. This will help bring peace and calmness to what I currently consider an extremely volatile part of my emotional life.
These are the goals I need to keep in the forefront of my mind as I travel through these next 40 days.

Day 1: Irony.

Today was so ironic it couldn't be coincidence. (Check out the above post for my goals to understand a little better why).

Day 1 of 40. First class meeting at 2:00. I decided last night to start my journey with mass this morning, thinking it would be a great way to start to tackle my faith fears. Then we would go grocery shopping to make healthy choices for the week ahead.

Well, it didn't quite work out that way. Instead, I spent the entire morning sick in bed, unable to move. I was mostly all like, "Are you KIDDING ME?! I have been looking forward to this health transition for weeks and THIS IS HOW I START!?" The boy volunteered to brave the grocery store alone (there was a huge sale on Smart Water, my drink of choice for yoga - coincidence?). By the time he returned two hours later, I was able to get up, but basically looked like roadkill. No morning mass for this girl.

For some reason, I miraculously felt better by the time 1:30 rolled around, and I decided it was okay to go to class. I arrived to my studio and no one was set up for practice. Instead, we were assigned groups who will be our check-in buddies for the duration of the program. We went over the basics... and that was about it. The basics. There was no, "YOU MUST GIVE UP ALCOHOL ENTIRELY," or "YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL FOR HAVING THAT LATTE EVERY DAY." Instead, they asked us to look at what we eat every day and decide what's unnecessary. If we think, "Man, I can't give that up, I'll die," try to give it up. Look at imbalances and make them balanced. So next time I look at the Christmas cookies sitting on my desk next to my computer so nicely positioned to snack on... I should think twice about opening the box again (or think quickly about giving them away). It's an entirely self-driven program, something my list-making, organized, must have a plan ego will likely struggle with.

We went into an awareness meditation (more on that later) and one of the toughest 75 minute yoga practices ever. But I left feeling motivated and ready to take these 40 days on.

Came home, made this healthy mac and cheese alternative (highly recommended, totally good). Only had one portion and a side of broccoli (yay!). I don't think WHAT I eat will be the diet issue... though I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet... I generally eat healthy and balanced. It will be the snacking and indulging I'll have a problem with. Reactivity (see above post!).

Decided to go to mass this evening. Usually, when I go to mass, I panic that everyone's looking at the Protestant girl who doesn't know all the words and doesn't make the sign of the cross and sits awkwardly during Communion. But today, I went with an open heart and decided to give it a shot. I found myself relaxed and almost enjoying the rituals.

And then the Priest opened his homily with, "There's a credit card company who used the slogan, 'Membership has its privileges.'" Enter sermon on the privileges of baptism, the privileges of being a Christian, the membership dues and benefits, and every other possible construction of Christianity that makes Catholicism sound like a private club that I absolutely CAN NOT STAND. He literally brought up everything I've previously professed awful about Catholicism. I couldn't believe my ears. I didn't get mad. My blood didn't boil, my heart didn't race, but I did sit relatively stunned.

Of course, the mass finished beautifully, with great hymns and wonderful passages. But why THAT message, on the night that I went hoping to find some truth, some acceptance? There was clearly a reason I got sick this morning, a reason I didn't make the early mass I wanted to. I was supposed to hear this homily on this day, the day I decided to take this faith thing head on.

At the moment, my attitude is "agree to disagree." I know that there are many different ways to construe Christianity. I know I'll never love everything every leader of the faith ever says. I don't know that I can ever accept his construction, but I don't think I need to.

What I do know is that I made a small step by not getting angry and not starting a tirade in the middle of mass. I made a small step by realizing that it's okay to agree to disagree about religion sometimes. I made a small step by talking rationally about it after the mass and not bursting into tears about the horrible awfulness of it. I made a small step by not taking the Priest's construction as a personal slap against my own unfocused faith journey.

On day one, I will certainly be thankful for small.

Before I go any further...

I think I've figured out what will be my biggest challenge on this 40 day journey.

The beginning of Baptiste's book is filled with spirituality... and from skimming the rest of the book, the whole thing is chock full of it. In the first two pages, he leaves no room for yogic excuses, noting that lots of people turn to yoga for some kind of "different" spiritual experience than Christianity offers, but really Jesus and Moses taught the same things that yoga gurus do. He also says a lot of Eastern yoga teachings aren't applicable to the West, and his book will bring what IS applicable over, but will focus on a lot of Christian principles.

Basically, I should go to church because it teaches the same things I'm trying to get out of this book.

Here's the problem. I've got religion issues. Big ones. I don't want them, but they're all around me. I won't delve into it all here, because it's great fodder for later posts, but here's the background:

My mother was Catholic, my father Presbyterian. I dragged them to a Presbyterian church after attending with cousins and enjoying their children's time as a three year old. That was the beginning of a very active religious youth and family. We went every Sunday, no excuses. I participated in Sunday School, choir, youth groups, four mission trips, even gave a sermon. My parents were involved in fundraising, governance, adopting families, giving sermons, etc. We sat in the third pew from the front.

Enter college. I went to a small, Presbyterian affiliated school. I loved that school. I, however, did not love the church-y part of it. I found that I missed my home church intensely and had fallen in love with the people rather than the religion. I found any attempt to get me to go to church relatively invasive and my desire to attend disappeared.

Enter boyfriend. Comes from the same kind of very involved religious family, but Catholic. Through college he quietly attended mass every Saturday night without fail, but never made the world aware of it. Just went because it was important to him, then went about his week. He invited me. I attended. I had grown up around children who hated the Catholic religion because of it's exclusivity and 'difficult' ritual; I learned to hate it too, especially the exclusivity of Communion. I sat and cried through the first mass I went to with him, especially when I sat by myself as the rest of the church received Communion, which I believe every Christian should be able to enjoy. He still goes every week, asks me, and regardless of my response, heads to what he describes as his weekly reminder to do what's right.

Enter second year of law school. I've been to lots more Catholic masses, mostly with mild protest (though never forced to go), and back to my "home" church a few times. The place isn't the same; all things do change eventually, and it's been six years since I regularly attended. I still very much disagree with Catholic Communion rules. But I find myself floundering for some kind of religion and missing the grounding that it provided. I envy those who have remained faithful through these years, because I have plenty of friends who have. I envy those who have found new ways to be faithful as they move to different locales.

So what do I DO with Baptiste's rules, this God-fearing, faith thing I'm going to be going through the next few weeks? My stomach churns with nerves about it, though it doesn't look like much more than principles for "doing what's right". I know I need some guidelines. I know I don't want to flounder anymore. I don't know how to integrate it into my life. I don't know how to change my reaction to a more positive feeling. I have all the support I need around me to do this. It shouldn't be this difficult; I don't know why I react so violently. I said I'm going to do this 100%, but am I ready? Can I jump this seemingly massive hurdle? Am I making something huge out of nothing?

Without a doubt, the religious implementation of this program will be the most difficult piece of the 40 day puzzle.

Realization

I really have to do this. Like, actually 100% do it. (This hits pretty hard after a celebratory night at Las Velas - if you have the chance to go there, GO).

After reading the introductions to Baptiste's book, it hit me that I'm ACTUALLY GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS. I didn't pay a chunk of change just to get some extra yoga. I could've done that without the book, without the guidelines, without a new diet. This is a serious, six-week lifestyle change that I know I could not have successfully done a year ago, but I think I can do it now.

So I'm setting my intention. I'm actually going to do every part of the program. I'm not going to use the "oh, it's just one night" excuse when I want to go out with friends or when I'm too tired to practice. 100%, go for the gold style.

First thing to do is have a conversation with my man to let him know what I'm doing and ask for his support. I think he'll be with me. :)

Guidance

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else." - Yogi Berra.

As of yesterday, I still wasn't sure what I was getting into with this program - what it would entail, how it would be structured. Today, I received a TON of guidance in my mailboxes! I'm so excited to share them I want to write about it all in one post, but I'll space it out as I explore each piece.

The program is based on Baron Baptiste's "40 Days to Personal Revolution". I ordered it from Amazon on Monday and received it today! It seems to give guidelines for each week and thoughts to provoke your meditation. I'm supposed to read the twelve laws of transformation before Sunday's first class, so I'll be indulging myself in that on this super snowy day. I'll have to balance that with some schoolwork and a date night... my first test of time management with this program. I'm excited!

When?

Committing yourself to yoga six times a week would be a serious time challenge for anyone. Balancing 75 minutes of exercise a day with law school and the rest of life is going to prove challenging. On Sundays, that 75 minutes is extended to two hours for the weekly meetings of the yogis completing the challenge, and on Mondays I work-study, which ends up taking up 2 hours with the extra work involved, as well. By the time you include travel time (since I no longer live across the street) and shower time, this is at least a three hour commitment a day when I head to the studio.

Luckily, there will be podcasts developed, so I can do some practice at home.

I've been pondering what part of the day to practice in my apartment, and I think morning is my best option. I don't ever have class until 10:30. By the time I get home from school life tends to get in the way. Starting the day with meditation and yoga will put me in the right mindset to handle the stresses of school and life. As long as I can get myself up in the morning... I'll have to find a motivator for that.

I'm going to try to pick up as many subbing shifts at the studio I can manage, since the 95 degree heat really gives the best workout. I also need to be realistic about the studio time commitment. I probably will do these at night since the 6:30AM and 9AM time slots are tough with my schedule. I'll shoot for 3 workouts at the studio, and three at home. Yay!

Yogi: Yo-gi. [Yoh-gee]. Noun.
"A person who is proficient in yoga."
Bare: [Bair]. Adjective.
"1. Not clothed or covered. (See note at naked). Unconcealed, without disguise."
All: [Awl]. Adjective.
"1. The whole of. 2. Every. 3. Any."

I think that's a pretty good plan.

An introduction.

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." - Yogi Berra

I love the New York Yankees. The moment the YES (Yankee Entertainment System) was created, it became the only cable television station my family watched. I'm not sure if it's because we're mutually from New York or if it's just what I grew up with, but my heart pounds hard for the Bronx Bombers. It's only fitting that Yogi so perfectly described the beginning of my 40 day yoga journey.

I began my second semester of my sophomore year of college almost four years ago. I spent the first half of the year in Oxford, England, drinking and carb-loading my way through Ireland, France, Italy, the Czech Republic, and Germany. I knew I was becoming malnourished and overweight, but when in Rome... and the bingeing didn't subside upon returning to the States. College food and beverages created a tank of a female. Woof.


I didn't see the severity of the problem until the summer rolled around. I hit the gym a couple times a week, and when I found that I couldn't fit into a bridesmaids dress for a wedding in three weeks, I crash dieted and worked out twice a day with Chalene Johnson's Turbo Jam. I fit in to the dress, and headed back to college junior year feeling better about myself and looking healthier. Healthy eating lasted a couple weeks before the cafeteria got the better of me. The next two years was a constant cycle of binge diet, crash exercise, drinking consistently and overeating. While I never reached my peak weight of sophomore year, the pounds were creeping up once again.

Enter law school and living on my own. First semester of law school is notoriously awful, with stress and panic in every ounce of a 1L's life. My experience was no different, and included no exercise. But I did start to eat a little better, and after a few months was directed toward Amazing Yoga, a studio across from my apartment. It took one class before I was hooked.

Here I am, just over a year later. In that year I started a weekly work-study at the yoga studio, got back into Turbo Jam, discovered Hungry Girl cookbooks, lived on protein shakes, became a regular at farmers markets and re-taught myself how to run. At the end of the summer I had concerned family and friends approach me because of how rapidly I lost weight; I had to purchase a new wardrobe because the pounds came off so quickly. I learned how to make a lifestyle change, not just binge.


I've managed to maintain a healthy lifestyle since the summer and not sacrifice a whole lot of fun - except for the six weeks leading up to and including law school finals. I thrive on stress, but the one seriously negative stress in my life is academic. I can't deal. I received an email about the 40 Days of Yoga program happening at my studio in the middle of finals prep month. The email said the program would focus on a healthy diet, meditation, stress relief, and of course, yoga six days a week for forty days. I read it and instantly decided I had to do this. If I can learn how to maintain a balance between yoga, school, diet, relationship, and the rest of life, I can certainly handle the academic stress I deal with at the end of a semester. I want to maintain this new lifestyle I've found and not revert back to the sick bingeing cycle of my past.

So I'm doing it. And I'm blogging about it. I really don't know where I'm going with it. I don't know why I'm blogging about it. I just... am. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't. I may "never get there", as Yogi warns. ButI'll learn something, I think. And after my 40 day obligation has ended, who knows where my intention will set me. For now, we'll focus on day one.

It begins on Sunday.