The beginning of Baptiste's book is filled with spirituality... and from skimming the rest of the book, the whole thing is chock full of it. In the first two pages, he leaves no room for yogic excuses, noting that lots of people turn to yoga for some kind of "different" spiritual experience than Christianity offers, but really Jesus and Moses taught the same things that yoga gurus do. He also says a lot of Eastern yoga teachings aren't applicable to the West, and his book will bring what IS applicable over, but will focus on a lot of Christian principles.
Basically, I should go to church because it teaches the same things I'm trying to get out of this book.
Here's the problem. I've got religion issues. Big ones. I don't want them, but they're all around me. I won't delve into it all here, because it's great fodder for later posts, but here's the background:
My mother was Catholic, my father Presbyterian. I dragged them to a Presbyterian church after attending with cousins and enjoying their children's time as a three year old. That was the beginning of a very active religious youth and family. We went every Sunday, no excuses. I participated in Sunday School, choir, youth groups, four mission trips, even gave a sermon. My parents were involved in fundraising, governance, adopting families, giving sermons, etc. We sat in the third pew from the front.
Enter college. I went to a small, Presbyterian affiliated school. I loved that school. I, however, did not love the church-y part of it. I found that I missed my home church intensely and had fallen in love with the people rather than the religion. I found any attempt to get me to go to church relatively invasive and my desire to attend disappeared.
Enter boyfriend. Comes from the same kind of very involved religious family, but Catholic. Through college he quietly attended mass every Saturday night without fail, but never made the world aware of it. Just went because it was important to him, then went about his week. He invited me. I attended. I had grown up around children who hated the Catholic religion because of it's exclusivity and 'difficult' ritual; I learned to hate it too, especially the exclusivity of Communion. I sat and cried through the first mass I went to with him, especially when I sat by myself as the rest of the church received Communion, which I believe every Christian should be able to enjoy. He still goes every week, asks me, and regardless of my response, heads to what he describes as his weekly reminder to do what's right.
Enter second year of law school. I've been to lots more Catholic masses, mostly with mild protest (though never forced to go), and back to my "home" church a few times. The place isn't the same; all things do change eventually, and it's been six years since I regularly attended. I still very much disagree with Catholic Communion rules. But I find myself floundering for some kind of religion and missing the grounding that it provided. I envy those who have remained faithful through these years, because I have plenty of friends who have. I envy those who have found new ways to be faithful as they move to different locales.
So what do I DO with Baptiste's rules, this God-fearing, faith thing I'm going to be going through the next few weeks? My stomach churns with nerves about it, though it doesn't look like much more than principles for "doing what's right". I know I need some guidelines. I know I don't want to flounder anymore. I don't know how to integrate it into my life. I don't know how to change my reaction to a more positive feeling. I have all the support I need around me to do this. It shouldn't be this difficult; I don't know why I react so violently. I said I'm going to do this 100%, but am I ready? Can I jump this seemingly massive hurdle? Am I making something huge out of nothing?
Without a doubt, the religious implementation of this program will be the most difficult piece of the 40 day puzzle.
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