Day 1 of 40. First class meeting at 2:00. I decided last night to start my journey with mass this morning, thinking it would be a great way to start to tackle my faith fears. Then we would go grocery shopping to make healthy choices for the week ahead.
Well, it didn't quite work out that way. Instead, I spent the entire morning sick in bed, unable to move. I was mostly all like, "Are you KIDDING ME?! I have been looking forward to this health transition for weeks and THIS IS HOW I START!?" The boy volunteered to brave the grocery store alone (there was a huge sale on Smart Water, my drink of choice for yoga - coincidence?). By the time he returned two hours later, I was able to get up, but basically looked like roadkill. No morning mass for this girl.
For some reason, I miraculously felt better by the time 1:30 rolled around, and I decided it was okay to go to class. I arrived to my studio and no one was set up for practice. Instead, we were assigned groups who will be our check-in buddies for the duration of the program. We went over the basics... and that was about it. The basics. There was no, "YOU MUST GIVE UP ALCOHOL ENTIRELY," or "YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL FOR HAVING THAT LATTE EVERY DAY." Instead, they asked us to look at what we eat every day and decide what's unnecessary. If we think, "Man, I can't give that up, I'll die," try to give it up. Look at imbalances and make them balanced. So next time I look at the Christmas cookies sitting on my desk next to my computer so nicely positioned to snack on... I should think twice about opening the box again (or think quickly about giving them away). It's an entirely self-driven program, something my list-making, organized, must have a plan ego will likely struggle with.
We went into an awareness meditation (more on that later) and one of the toughest 75 minute yoga practices ever. But I left feeling motivated and ready to take these 40 days on.
Came home, made this healthy mac and cheese alternative (highly recommended, totally good). Only had one portion and a side of broccoli (yay!). I don't think WHAT I eat will be the diet issue... though I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet... I generally eat healthy and balanced. It will be the snacking and indulging I'll have a problem with. Reactivity (see above post!).
Decided to go to mass this evening. Usually, when I go to mass, I panic that everyone's looking at the Protestant girl who doesn't know all the words and doesn't make the sign of the cross and sits awkwardly during Communion. But today, I went with an open heart and decided to give it a shot. I found myself relaxed and almost enjoying the rituals.
And then the Priest opened his homily with, "There's a credit card company who used the slogan, 'Membership has its privileges.'" Enter sermon on the privileges of baptism, the privileges of being a Christian, the membership dues and benefits, and every other possible construction of Christianity that makes Catholicism sound like a private club that I absolutely CAN NOT STAND. He literally brought up everything I've previously professed awful about Catholicism. I couldn't believe my ears. I didn't get mad. My blood didn't boil, my heart didn't race, but I did sit relatively stunned.
Of course, the mass finished beautifully, with great hymns and wonderful passages. But why THAT message, on the night that I went hoping to find some truth, some acceptance? There was clearly a reason I got sick this morning, a reason I didn't make the early mass I wanted to. I was supposed to hear this homily on this day, the day I decided to take this faith thing head on.
At the moment, my attitude is "agree to disagree." I know that there are many different ways to construe Christianity. I know I'll never love everything every leader of the faith ever says. I don't know that I can ever accept his construction, but I don't think I need to.
What I do know is that I made a small step by not getting angry and not starting a tirade in the middle of mass. I made a small step by realizing that it's okay to agree to disagree about religion sometimes. I made a small step by talking rationally about it after the mass and not bursting into tears about the horrible awfulness of it. I made a small step by not taking the Priest's construction as a personal slap against my own unfocused faith journey.
On day one, I will certainly be thankful for small.
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