Last night, a couple hours after having made a fabulous Mexican Stew, I decided it would be a fanfreakingtastic idea to munch on a bit of cereal since I was still up and kind of bored. I wasn't at all hungry - just bored. Well a little bit turned into a LOT of cereal. I started to feel full, but that didn't stop me... I continued to just reach into the box MINDLESSLY until I eventually got bored with it. I felt sooooo full when I was done. It wasn't a good feeling, and I lost the great taste of the stew and instead had a bland cereal taste in my mouth.
That full feeling ruined my night. I was so disappointed in myself. I tried to meditate but felt too fat and heavy to really sit there. Every thought in my head was negative. I had to stop early because it felt like war rather than peace. I went to bed angry and upset with my stupid decision.
I woke up this morning and the negativity continued. I woke up early so I could get ready slowly and easily. Instead, I picked fights and spatted and got myself all worked up. I ended up fighting so much that I didn't have time for a full meditation this morning.
I'm SO ANGRY. When I woke up I felt full still. Today is supposed to be my rest day but I feel so fat that I want to do something. I don't feel I should do yoga because when I'm at home I don't feel like it's an effective workout. I only feel like it's effective when I'm at the studio because of the heat increase. I certainly don't have time for a workout and THEN 45 mins of yoga - that's just insanity.
So basically - I'm pissed off I overindulged last night, and I'm pissed off that EVEN WITH ALL THE DIET CHANGES AND ALL THE EFFORT I'M PUTTING IN TO THIS THING, I FEEL HEAVIER!!! And not good muscle heavy. FAT. FAT. FAT.
Why even bother? Why did I refuse the free pizza or submarine sandwich lunch today for my carrots, fruit and sandwich TO FEEL WORSE?! Why only do yoga for forty days when I'm gaining weight in the process?!?!
This was a one day thing. This process is not just about weight loss and muscle toning - it's about stress relief and moderation. But how can just ONE DAY of setback make me feel like a FREAKING WHALE.
So. Completely. Upset. I think I'm going to use my rest day to do some other kind of exercise. But that's not what it's supposed to be about!!!!! UGHHHHHHH.
You can do it!! It's hard when we let ourselves down, it's worse than when someone else does. But it's all part of the process. And you are learning and doing a lot of new things, that is a plus!
ReplyDeleteForgive yourself. It is impossible to move forward with a burden that you are lashing to yourself. Your anger cannot solve what happened in the past, but forgiveness of yourself can open the door to a new day. You have a choice to make.
ReplyDelete1) You can go through the day thinking that one mistake you made last night has ruined everything. But, that is a lie.
OR
2) You can go through the day remembering that this whole 40 days thing is a process and that each day has its own battles, fully realizing that if you're going to make progress, self forgiveness is necessary. Don't beat yourself up for something you did yesterday when you've been given the amazing blessing of waking up to a new day.
Only one of these choices is reality. Live into it, forgive yourself, forgiveness is the only way to peace, you can't get there by anger.
Lee
on your rest day you should still do something. i remember you said that you weren't running yet because of the yoga. so don't run. hike or something. something active. make steve throw a football around with you or a soccer ball or something lol or just go for a walk if your really beat. anything!! and bingeing happens. believe me lol but don't let it defeat you. i ALWAYS brush my teeth after the last meal i want to eat for the day because then when i think about eating something i think "eww...mint & peanut buttter...gross..." haha and if you're bored and just wanna chew something get some gum lol its not the best for you, but its also not half a bag of cereal. and i read this somewhere and it always stuck with me... "it'll take a month of hard work to notice a change in yourself, 2 months for the people close to you to notice, and three months for everyone to notice" and if you think about it. think back to your freshman year of WM college...seems like yesterday, doesn't it? yup. three months is noootttttt that long. at all. just be patient. not one of the most dominant traits of our fam lol but its there somewhere. plus its a virtue or something, and those are important lol ALSO if you ever feel like you're so bored you need to eat. grab a bigggg glass of water and just text me =] and if i'm not there, text cole. and if we're both not there...well you get the point. texting & water is better than bingeing lol
ReplyDelete<3 Jess